Little Love Sponges

 We are counting down the days. Seven, six, five, four, three, two, one...June 1st: last day of school! So excited to have a break from daily drop-offs and pick-ups. While I have enjoyed taking Adrian to his rural school, kicking up some dust on the way, we are ready to be done.The days have grown longer, and the bedtimes have stretched out, later and later. The great outdoors are calling our names, and it is hard to come back inside, with so much to do and explore.

This weekend, we make our way to Omaha, NE to celebrate Grandpa Jim and Linda's wedding. Samantha will be the flower girl, which means a special t-shirt and tutu, for the rehearsal dinner--complete with a princess crown and wand. Adrian has a tux shirt to wear, as well. Yes, she will love it. She has a pretty, ivory satin dress, with slippers, for the big day, on Saturday. It will be fun for her to 'play dress up' for this special day. It will be a good time together with our family, out there. Also good time, on the road, to catch up with each other...captive audience : )

I've been busy with landscape design, yard maintenaince, and planting our own vegetable garden. Although this year, we mixed in a few more flowers, in addition to last years sunflowers: butterfly weed, nasturtiums, and a wildflower mix. Hopefully, all will come up and grown well. We plan to finish the grade in the backyard(finally). Not sure if it will be natural boulders or retaining wall block. Hence, the reason we have taken 6 years to get it done: we can't agree on which material to use. I think I've got Troy convinced that boulders--the more cut-stone kind--will look nice...we'll see what happens, with that...its always harder to design your own yard, than someone else's--LOL.

Planting season has gone amazingly well. The crops are in! All in about a week's time, with little rainy weather to contend with. A big thanks to Troy's uncle, one of our hired hands, who helped him get the job done. Troy is looking forward to a more laid-back summer, with less traveling and more time fishing, in the boat we inherited. It needs a little work, but once that is done I know he and Adrian will have a great time bonding, over bait and hook. Samantha and I will join them, on occasion...for a few hours : )

So that's the update, on us. Nothing too deep or dramatic...just the goodness of life, here on earth.
God is good. I have to say that, repeatedly. God is GOOD! He has lavished his love on us, in many ways. Lately, the best way has come from the mouths of our babes: they have been saying "I love you Mom", a lot these days. Samantha is especially verbal: "Mommy, I just LOVE you. Guess what I'm gonna do now? Give you a hug!" Love it.

They have, no doubt, soaked it up, from various people and places, in their lives. Kids are little sponges. They take it all in. Sometimes, it isn't all good--they have their moments, like any one us can have. But then we hold them, SQUEEZE them, keeping them close...and out pours the love. God knows we need it, as exhausted parents. I know some of you can relate. I like how He will send a little love, through the form of a child, at the right time. We wish everyone a fun summer together. Enjoy the parks and pools, soaking up some rays--and sharing the love : )

Seed for Sowing

A second piece of chocolate has been unwrapped. Sitting here, while it melts in my mouth, I have to say that life is good. Of course, it always is with a little chocolate. Looking back to a year ago, I'm now in a much better place in regards to what is coming ahead. There were many tears and dark days, last spring. I'm delighted to imagine that this spring might be different.

Before I get into the deep, I'd like to share about my 'little joys'. Adrian is now six years old. He loves reptiles. Yesterday, for his birthday, he spent his money on a 4-ft yellow and black snake...no worries, its not real. He went to bed with it wrapped around his neck and wearing a smile that no sleepy eyes could erase. It is heart-warming to see the way he marvels at creation. Today he was in the hayfield, chasing down some of the first butterflies of spring. Soon we will be raising Monarchs and I'm sure all sorts of 'nature things' will be finding their way onto the kitchen island-LOL.

My little Samantha will soon be four years old. She has the vocabulary of a 6-year old and plenty of charm to go with it. She loves animals, carrying purses and dressing up in tutus. She is forever finding little trinkets to carry around in her hands...and it is then that I tell her she needs her purse! She is a princess, but one that doesn't mind the dirt and the outdoors. My kind of girl. It's fun to watch her and her brother play together. They say the cutest things. This Easter, we seeded a 'resurrection garden' in hopes that it would help them gain an understanding, alongside the baskets and bunnies. We were surprised at how well they took to the idea. They were building tunnels and pretend tombs, saying, "ok, its your turn: you be Jesus and come out now." LOL

Life has a way of bringing us to our knees, doesn't it? Trying times are what bring people together. It is pain that builds bridges to the hearts of the hurting. It is broken down walls that create transparency, letting the light shine through...revealing that we are also human.

Within the seasons of life, we have different roles to play. Sometimes we are the needy, other times, we are the support for another. We sow time into our families and friends. Our workplaces. Our houses of worship. Passionate pursuits for the greater good, that tug on our hearts. And then there begs the question of taking care of ourselves: how and when do we do this?

It will look a bit different for each one of us. I have issues with the sunlight changing, hence, more winter blues than the average person. This year, I was able to treat that with a Happy Light--no kidding, that's what they call it. I also discovered(with a good doctors' help)some other deficiencies that were contributing to my feelings of depression. And what has pulled all these little adjustments together is choosing to spend a little time with God, each day.


A plan was devised: sitting in front of the light(for 30 minutes)reading, checking in, preparing for my day. I'm amazed at how much better I now feel. God is faithful. He does meet us wherever we're at. Kind of like a parent with arms open wide. He gives us wisdom to help us in our times of need. He also sends encouraging people into our lives so that we're not so alone. I'd like to share a verse that has touched my heart, in this journey from grief to joy. Psalms 126:5-6 says, "Those who sow in tears shall reap in joy. He who continually goes forth weeping, bearing seed for sowing, shall doubtless come again with rejoicing, bringing his sheaves with him."

What I believe this is saying is that when we have tears, they matter. Someplace else, in Psalms, it says that 'God keeps our tears in a bottle'. I had never considered, before reading this, that grief could be a necessary part of bearing fruit. But its hard to argue with the content of this word picture: we shall no doubt come out of a season of grief, carrying a harvest, and have joy. The tears and sadness are seed for something greater, something good...later on.

I could not imagine anything good coming from losing my mom, nearly 4 years ago. I continue to wrestle with the dreams that were dashed, when we had to say goodbye. But I will say that I've pressed into God, alot more, since we learned of her illness. There was a short period of reconciliation that took place, between the two of us. I'm thankful that we had that time to talk. Those are some good things.

Been thinking about seeds, as we've experienced the warmest March on record, here in MN. I'm sure this is true in many parts of the country as well. I have never thought about getting a garden in so early before. Easter weekend, I planted onions, shallots, radishes, cabbage, broccoli, spinach and peas. In my bay window, I have some sturdy little tomatoes and pepper plants growing, which will go in around Mother's Day weekend. The weather this spring has been amazing, to say the least. I'm so happy to see green, everywhere!

Dig in a little deeper, with me, now...all seeds have to die to themselves before they can produce. They have to be sown into the ground, buried in the dark earth. They need water, sunlight, and warm temps. And then they crack open, sprout and root in...and eventually, after the rain, the growth spurts, the summer heat--we start to see some fruit forming. And harvest time is for sure a delightful, happy time. You finally get to see and taste the fruit of your labors.

And so it is with the seasonal nature of our lives. Another verse that has been encouraging to me is Psalms 37:3, "Trust in the Lord, and do good; dwell in the land, and feed on His faithfulness." It is good to be able to enjoy what God has given, isn't it? Especially after a time of intense sadness. He does bring us to those places of contentment. Learning to trust, to live, to do good--to feed on His faithfulness, which is food for the soul.

Faithful

Last month, we drove out to the Omaha area for a family visit...and to attend Winter Jam 2012! It was amazing. We decided to get the upgraded pass, to get in early--not wanting to fight possible crowds or be turned away. Surprisingly, there was no line and we parked right up by the front of the building. We walked in, got our lanyards scanned, and picked a seat up by stage right. Since there is no seat-saving, we were afraid to even move once we got there--LOL. Of course, you have to use the bathroom and eat, sometime! We arrived at 4:30PM, so that is a long wait until the show officially started, at 7PM. I told Troy he could guard my seat, with honor...he did good!

Many of the bands were new to us: Skillet, For King & Country, Group 1 Crew, Dara McClean, We As Human, Sanctus Real. The main reason I wanted us to go was to see Peter Furler and Phil Joel perform together. We never made it out to a classic Newsboys concert, back in the day. It was quite exciting, hearing on FB, that Phil was considering joining the concert. The fans were wooing him, day by day--with Peter's help--until finally, at the end of December, he agreed to join. Who knows how often they will perform together...hopefully, more often than not.

Before the official show started, there was a Q & A time with a few of the bands. Building 429 and Kari Jobe were up for this round. It was cool to see how genuine these artists are, in

being real with the fans. They're people(like us)who happen to be called to be in front of lots of people. Kari Jobe couldn't have said it any better: "If you have a passion for something, and it seems impossible, it probably means you're supposed to go for it...but be faithful where God has you planted, now. He will open up doors, later on."

I haven't been able to get those words out of my head, since then. It was like getting another piece of the puzzle, as it pertains to 'purpose in life' stuff. I believe God has a plan for each person. I trust Him and know that all things happen for a reason. But sometimes, you get that gnawing feeling that something isn't right...that there are bigger things, out there. This feeling doesn't come from comparison to another person, but from deep within my soul. It is the longing to know, and be known.

Sitting there, in that fifth row, watching Kari speak and tell a little about herself--I felt very content. Troy was there with me. Our row was literally 3 seats wide(our own little personal space). I thought about how much we both enjoy music...how our kids love it with us...the worship ministry we've been able to be a part of all these years, the incredible musicians in our little church. It started to make sense to me. This really is what I love the most: doing music.

I have no idea what our future holds, in that regard. But I just have to get up each day, and sing. That I know. Its in my heart and soul, lyrics playing in my head, throughout the day. I might be driving around in the van, listening in, the steering wheel becoming a bongo...for a second or two. Lately, I've been hearing my daughter, singing along with me. That is fun. I'll be on the piano, and there's this one song I play, called, "Every day", and when I get to the end of it, I do this really cool minor tag that makes her squeal with delight. It doesn't matter which room of the house she's in: I guarantee you will hear her cheering when I get to the end of that song!

The concert was great, as you can see.

Best part was meeting Phil, after the show. We walked up to the concourse, on the second floor, and waited maybe a couple of minutes. I introduced myself and Troy, and then we saw his eyes light up: it was great to put a face to a name. Phil and Heather Joel have a ministry site called 'Deliberate People'. It's a place where you can follow a reading schedule, meet with God, get to know Him better. I decided to take on the challenge with them. It's been fun to read what they're learning from day to day. They have some great insights to share with everyone.

So back to Kari's comments, about remaining faithful where you're planted. That spoke volumes to me. God knows my heart. He knows it. Just keep on doing what you're doing...it brings joy and someday, may go beyond your wildest imaginations. (Luke 16:10, Jer.29:11)

My Mosaic Family

If you've ever been in my house, you might notice that I have a thing for glass, in all forms. Depending on what season we're in, the top of my cub board will display an array of glassy items, with a strand of lights to illuminate them, at night. In my heart, I smile when I see it. Art makes me happy. It reminds me of how creative God is; His handiwork through our fingertips.

I remember going up to Split Rock Lighthouse, on a trip up north. The shoreline is often covered with pieces of colored glass, washed up from old shipwrecks that happened years ago. The once sharp edges, now worn away from being tossed along the waves and rocks. I brought home a bottle full of them once. They looked better under water, but still pretty. Its funny what we treasure, what attracts us, isn't it?

Walking by this mosaic(above), I was amazed at its eclectic beauty. I wondered how long it took the artist to mold all the pieces into place. How did they draw the scale of the picture to fit on the side of a brick building? Probably used some serious ladders, or maybe scaffolding. I think it turned out great. I don't know where a person finds that much broken glass, but I'm glad that someone has the vision to put it to good use.

In Psalm 68:6a, it reads, "God sets the lonely in families..." The meaning of the word 'family', here, probably doesn't mean just blood-related. There is a picture of so much more, in just that one sentence. The lonely. One who is isolated. One whose home may have been broken. One whose life lays in shards. I'm imagining God placing that person in an environment where the broken pieces can be swept up, dusted off, and put in a jar for safe-keeping.

We can often find someone worse off, or better off than ourselves, at any given moment. I would like to venture that all people are 'cracked pots', in one way or another. We get chipped, knocked over, tossed around, and sometimes...broken. That is the nature of living on earth. Our character becomes shaped and tested through tough times, revealing what is within. Some appear to have it worse than others, but life is still life...kinda crazy, at times.

I am a cracked, broken pot. I have pieces that will never go back together again. I've endured loss in many ways. I've experienced feelings of neglect & abandonment. I know what its like to have innocence taken away, only to be replaced with emptiness. I have felt lonely, depressed, more than I care to admit. The ache for my mom remains; for her to see all that her grand kids are doing and becoming...for the person her daughter is becoming.

But in spite of all that, I give a shout out for how great our God is. Guess what He's doing? He has that jar of broken pieces...He is the artist. He has each one of us in the place where we need to be, to shape us, bringing healing and restoration. As the picture of our life comes together, so does our family unit, along with us. He sends the right people into our life, at just the right time.

There is an expression on my wall, surrounded by pictures: "Our family is a circle of strength and love, with every birth and union it grows. Every crisis faced together makes the circle stronger." It holds true for us. When family comes to mind, included in that is church family, MOPS family, study group, music team, former co-workers, friends of all ages. You all have made a difference, and I thank you for being a part of our lives. Love you all, so much : )

The foundation, the Rock, that holds us together is strong. When we build upon that, the beauty is lasting and ever-changing. Each piece, carefully placed, mortared and glued down. Only God could put people together in that way. He has a plan, an idea of what the picture will look like. I can hardly wait to see it someday. Until then, we trust...we live...we laugh...we cry...we fall down...get back up...love...forgive...each piece, creating something beautiful.

A Moment of Truth

Here we are, at the end of another year. It was busy, but one that came without incident. The little bumps along the way were welcome in comparison to some of the big boulders we've climbed, over the years.

I don't know about you, but it takes me awhile to make sense of crisis and loss, when it comes. There is a sort of ripple effect, like in an earthquake. The tremors can be felt miles away, reaching beyond the initial point of impact. That's kind of how I tend to process life. When stuff hits me, I often don't realize how bad it is until later on.

Maybe God does that on purpose, to protect the innocent--who knows. Dealing with my mom's death continues to be a process for me. At different times of the year, it can be harder...or not. But God has and will continue to carry me through. The song 'Thrive', from the Newsboys, has been especially meaningful to me over the holiday season. Check out the lyrics sometime and you'll see why its such a powerful song.

Been thinking about people, relationships, life, God...and what I'd like to change, going into 2012. Do you ever get frustrated with yourself? Sick and tired of you? Unable to fix the mess? Yeah, I think we all can say we've been there. That's me right now. I have no good, logical reason for feeling that way--I just do. I'm done--had enough of me--ready to move on. Looking in the mirror, I do not like the reflection I see. And I'm not talking about the newly emerged crow's feet(LOL-the hallmark of turning 35),but more the 'wrinkles of the heart' staring me in the face.

Guess what? I can't fix it. My resolve to do so will maybe last through the month of January, as do many resolutions. This one is too big for me. But I can trust. I can take the time to get to know God better and hear Him speak. I don't know how that will all turn out. I will most certainly fail, time and time again--but then what: I'll just get back up. Doesn't matter if I'm barefoot, wearing slippers, or mud boots--just have to keep on walking the walk.

Here's what I want for 2012. To simply love God and others, better than in 2011. Sounds so basic and easy to do, but I think it is one of the hardest commands: Loving the Lord your God, and your neighbor as yourself. The golden rule, right? It requires a relationship in Christ, that will fuel the ability to carry this out. Our own power and strength will not be enough. Dying to self, surrendering our desires and plans, allowing God to take the reigns. For without the death of a seed, there can be no life...no substantial growth. *I'm definitely not there yet, but many times when I write--I do so to encourage not only others, but to remind myself of where I want to someday be.

God promises us that if we seek after Him, first, everything else will be added(Matt. 6:33-34). It may not be what I had in mind, but it will be so much more than I could ever dream up on my own. I will not settle for just getting by--I want more than that. Life is short, and every thing here is temporary in nature. Whatever I do, I want to send it on ahead, into eternity. Ready for some adventure? I know I am. I hope your Christmas season contained some unspeakable joy--have a blessed and Happy New Year!

Eyes to See

What a beautiful November day on which to be thankful. No matter what life has brought to my table lately, today we had turkey--and good times with the family. The sun was out, and the temperature was unseasonably warm--how delightful for a girl whose mood seems to change with the weather!

Life is full of surprises. Today I learned that my step-dad, Jim, is newly engaged to a lovely lady--her name is Linda. (For those who do not know, Jim was married to my mother for nearly 17 years--she passed away from cancer, 3-1/2 years ago). It is good to see two people so happy together. New chapters, new beginnings...two story lines, merging together as one.

I'm glad to know that God is always doing something new. Even if I can't yet see it, He is. Watching my kids play together, they have great fun acting out scenes from the adventures dancing around in their little heads. Just this afternoon, Adrian was throwing Samantha the rope, begging her 'my little ponies' to catch it and pull him out of the water--it was hilarious. She kept saying, "but they can't get the rope--their feet aren't sticky enough." LOL

From their vantage point, the possibilities are endless. Children have the unique ability to look out, and up. They also look down, but not in the way adults do: what they see is different. Ask any 3yr old girl, searching for lost barbie shoes--and you know she may as well found lost treasure, when one turns up!

I envy the innocence of childhood. It goes away all too quickly, when you have to think about life stuff, bills, providing, nurturing, time with your spouse, and on and on. Sometimes its easy to feel like nothing good is coming back in, to replace all the giving out you do. And if you work full-time, its that job...or maybe its being that friend that continually supports, but doesn't feel supported when your time of need arises.

Yes, being an adult is a different vantage point. We may look into our past too often, or we may worry about our future security, missing the present moments of joy, all around us. Truth be told, my name would be on every one of those lists. I can get myself into such a funk, that I don't know how I got there...or how long it will last.

The other day, I was reading Adrian some bedtime stories. One of them was out of his Adventure Bible book. It was a story about the man who sold all that he had to buy a field that he knew contained buried treasure. And he kept digging and digging, pressing on--knowing that once he found it, all the sweat and effort would be worth it. Jesus was sharing this parable, from Matthew 13, to remind us that searching for God is like searching for that treasure.

Once again, I could hear that little voice, whispering to me. It was such a rough day. Lots of tears, grief, frustrations, regrets. Too much to tell, here and now. But I knew it was God. "Keep going, keep on looking for Me, keep on reading my letters, keep on praying, keep on enduring...because one day, it will all be worth it--you will find me, know me better, you will do great things, you are doing the most important thing, now...and I love you." I was amazed, once again, by that children's version of stories of old.

It's kind of funny, really. It's like God is saying, "well, if she won't spend time with me, then I'll have to send her a message during the bedtime routine--again." Oops. I'm so glad that God is always present, even when I'm not. He speaks in many ways, and as a parent, I find that my answer of the day often comes at night, in those stories.

Ever come to the end of yourself? You're out of answers, out of solutions, full of problems? I think that's right where I need to be so I can get a fresh perspective, a new vantage point. God is doing something new, even if I can't yet see it. He is. I'm learning to trust in that promise and allow him to shape my life however he sees fit, to accomplish his purposes. It is so hard to surrender, because I can tell you that I have lots of ideas on what I think my life should look like.

But God sees the big picture. He has the ultimate view, from the beginning of time to the end of the age. So I have to agree that my 'tiny little window' of space is no match for what will someday be revealed. (Isaiah 55:6-13)

Time in a Bottle

I love October so much that I'm posting twice this month. Ha, ha--no really, its for my own sanity. I desperately need time to reflect. And just sitting down doesn't work well for me. So I'm going to write about how I should not be so busy and slow down a bit...kind of ironic, isn't it?

Turning 35 has made me realize how fast the time has gone by. I don't mind that I'm only five years away from the big one, however, it feels like being 20 was only yesterday. I think about how different my life was then. Quite carefree, and for the most part, completely naive to the world around me. And yet, there are parts of my life that were already too grown up, even at that age.

Sometimes children have to grow up too fast. Their circumstances command them to take charge and survive whatever it is that may be robbing them of just being a kid. As a young adult, I did not understand the whys or the hows of what came to be, in my own life. But now that I'm a parent, there is a sharper perspective from where it once appeared blurry. Like the children, the parents are also trying to survive. And hopefully, there is a support system in place to help them through the 'life stuff'.

My mom has been gone for just over 3 years now. Celebrating another birthday, without her, was easier than I thought it might be. I thought about where she was at, when she turned 35. And it gives me joy to know that she was happy, beginning a new life for herself--and in some ways, for her children, too. I'd like to think that she knows that I'm happy, as well. To see all that has changed since she was here--and maybe God did grant her request for a 'news feed' of sorts. Wouldn't that be the coolest thing? To have social network up there, keeping tabs on earth-bound loved ones. But then I hear that Heaven is so grand--a place where time stands still. So it may be such that when I arrive and see my mom, it will seem as if no time at all has passed, for her.

I wish I could put time in a bottle. Not to save it up, or spend it later. What I want to put in that bottle are the memories of my kids when they were little. They still are kinda little, but I'm painfully aware of how fast it all has gone by. This kindergarten chapter, this going to school every day now...it has hit me that the time I have with them gets shorter, each year. My daughter will go to preschool, next year. The comments I hear the most, about that milestone, is all the extra time I will have. And that is something--time to do all the stuff that is hard to do when they are at home.

Lately, I've been convicted of how more often than not, I will find things to do other than play with my kids. It makes me sad, partly because my mind is always thinking of the next thing I have to do...and all the while, the days go by, the months, the years..."cat's in the cradle and the silver spoon, little boy blue and the man and the moon..." Just like that old song, I'll wish that I would have said 'no' to the list, and got on the floor with them, instead.

My dad has a unique propensity for remaining somewhat child-like, even at his grandfatherly age. I have many memories of bike rides, going to the parks, wrestling on the stinky floor(yes, there was 'gas' involved), playing softball, board games and cards. Those happy times are good filters against the unpleasant circumstance of life. I think that somewhere in there, I'm a lot like him. I need to remind myself of what it means 'to play'.

Kids are so creative. I love that about them. Cardboard boxes are turned into doghouses for stuffed animals--complete with an attached doggie door, made out of a paper bag. Scotch tape is a commodity used for securing all kinds of things to the back of little tractors. The grill tongs are barracudas that eat squeaky bath-toy fishies. Spoons are dog bones, pillows and bean bags are rocks for the plastic snakes to hide under. Yarn and name-tag holders have now become dog leashes. Oh, another favorite: those metal holders for steeping loose tea? They are sharks that enjoy eating coins. The barbies go to parties--riding my little pony's and giant stuffed cats--as their coaches and carriages. Cinderella has gone lots of places, at our house! And then there is all the nature stuff on the kitchen island: tree bark, rocks, pine cones, and the glass jars with the 'bug of the day' catch. The fridge is covered in artwork...

Note to self: play with your kids today. The to-do list can wait 15 minutes...or maybe half an hour. We can't bottle up time for later, but the memories we choose to make will always be with us.